| Resentment, despair - the beginning of something new |
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Resentment, despair - the beginning of something newHi everybody, going from one mind state into the next one, from there into another, and from there yet into another different one and so on can be quite exciting. There is always something new and it is promising, it says "Come on, go further, open yourself up for more, liberation is just around the corner" - and it really does feel like that from time to time. It does feel like glimpses of "how it will be once we literally see that all is one". The threshold of being liberated seems to be in touchable distance, just a little bit further, just a few more meditations, just a bit more of detachment, and a bit more of service and dedication to the truth, maybe one more retreat, but really - then it should be reached, the point when things change dramatically in our perception of this illusion we seem to be living in. The glimpses might be real, real for what they are - glimpses. The thing is just - it doesn't work like that. The attachment to liberation becomes stronger even if we think we are detached from more and more things. Instead we focus our "attachment energy" on the goal "liberation" or "awakening" which by its very nature needs to be a non-goal in order to be achieved. A constant energy needs to be brought up to go for this goal. The focus of the mind is directed onto this path instead of being scattered and distracted by the world around us. One day it dawns us that the promise of our mind "just a few more feet to liberation" is nothing more then just a nice trick of our mind to keep some old belief systems alive. To keep the mind active, to keep it thinking, to keep it apart from dying, and to keep us, that what is observing, apart from awakening. We are humans, our mind and motivation works like a constant gratification system. If we want to achieve something, we need to make it happen, we need to see that we are actually getting there. Otherwise we burn out, feel sorry for the invested energy and our motivation decreases. There is a lack now where once was a pile or even a mountain of motivation. The promised land - we haven't arrived yet and we thought we were so close. All the dedication, all the effort and deprivations have brought us nowhere, but into a state of resentment, frustration and maybe even despair. This is a full circle, is there really anything to discover after all? All these blissfull mind states, all the promises and the people who reached this goal don't really matter any more. This game is promising too much, it cannot be achieved, maybe all this spiritual path is even an illusion. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, back in the real world, the "ellbow society" with no other interest then a proper house, fancy car, a respectable position and mind blowing holiday pictures. ....wait a minute! That what seems like the end of the road is indeed the end of one road, but not the beginning of an old one. This state leads you into a new beginning. Remove the label "bad" from that mind state. Just acknowledge the energy and where you feel it in your body. There is no reason to fight it, it is energy, as everything is. Your existence is energy, why would you want to deny that you, who- or whatever you finally are doesn't exist? As everything that we perceive gets a dualistic label to keep the illusion alive, so does our despair mind state. Despair equals "negative, undesired". There we go, undesired needs to be faught and with fighting something we make it real. What to do with it? We could just ignore it, but this feeling is everywhere, it is just like ignoring that we are here. Instead of ignoring it, we just could remove the label "negative, undesired" from that feeling. Examine the energy, what quality does it bring with it? Which gift is connected to it? Is it calmness? Is there peace? Is there the long desired silence? Is it forcing you into the break that you were desperatly needing? Is it giving you the peace of mind that you were actually asking for? Maybe it even puts you on the path to surrender, to give up all your ideas and techniques that you learned and opens up the space of simply being. Doing nothing, just being. Allow yourself to be in that space, it is beautiful and at least valuable as every experience. How long is it ago that you actually did nothing at all? Not even with your mind? No desire to achieve anything, no desire to be someone, to go somewhere, to have something? So instead of being the end of the road, this is actually exactly the middle of the road on the path. As you were before: stay open for it. You are perfect, your journey is perfect. As everything, things will come and go, that is their nature. They come and go in their own time, there is nothing to force, this journey is no competition - who do you want to beat here? There is nothing to be won, there is no one to be dominated. ...in the end there isn't even anyone who is doing all this or who is reading this text. So you can allow yourself to be fully relaxed, whatever state you are in, everything is perfect. Thank you for sharing your journey. Love and blessings, Andreas |